Suffering is caused by isolation, which is a lack of connection.

No man is an island entire of itself; every man

is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;

if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe

is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as

well as any manner of thy friends or of thine

own were; any man's death diminishes me,

because I am involved in mankind.

And therefore never send to know for whom

the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

From: Mediation XVII by John Donne.

What is isolation?

How does it manifest itself?

How do we move forward?

Pain, mental and emotional, is primarily a result of a blatant error in human thinking. As people, we categorize ourselves as individuals, rather than the interconnected movement of energy that we are.  This pain of isolation causes us to act in unskillful ways.  We draw lines between “us” and “them” focusing on our differences to strengthen our individual sense of self. We strengthen our “us” vs. “them” mentality by keeping feelings and situations to ourselves, rather than being open and honest. Our ego especially enjoys judging others, further isolating ourselves in this “us” vs. “them” fallacy.

We are ashamed of life situations and keep these events to ourselves. The script (which I’ve heard in my own head and from others) is that “no one else would understand”; “they might treat me differently”; or “they might not want to be around me anymore”. We are reared with a utopian idea of “normal” and how “normal” families are supposed to look and behave. The reality of life is that what’s normal is dysfunction.  This idea of normalcy is propagated by society through media and by ourselves when we put up the façade that “life is always good”.  We hide pain, anger, jealousy, loneliness behind veils of smiles because as long as everything appears “perfect” we can continue on in denial. We continue to segregate ourselves from others in a true sense.

For me, I often struggled with anger. Through conditioning and experiences, I thought anger could only be expressed in one way – yelling and confrontation. I was so adversed to feeling anger that I often avoided confrontation even in situations where it was necessary, like to stand up for myself. That’s not to say I didn’t ever stand up for myself, but I certainly did not show my anger, regardless of whether it was righteous or not.

I spent my young adult life in relationships, both romantic and platonic, where rather than talking out situations I was unhappy or upset about, I told myself not to overreact. I constantly told myself that my upset feelings were never justified and I was wrong. Over time, this would pile repressed anger on top of repressed anger leading to inevitable resentment. "Why couldn’t they just see what I was doing for them?” or “If they really cared about me they would do [insert behavior]!”  I spent a lot of energy blaming the others in the relationship for not reaching out to me, for not understanding me better, but the truth was that I didn’t let them. I perpetuated my own isolation.

The issue with numbing emotions is that this is not a selective process. You can’t choose to say I’ll never feel anger without repercussions.  Instead of living on the complex and large continuum of human emotions, we restrict ourselves to a “greige” existence somewhere in the middle, where the so-called negative emotions aren’t felt, but neither are the blissful ones.  In my opinion, the root of this behavior- and really of all suffering- is denial of what is. If we accepted our full range of emotions, even the ones that scare us, they would lose their power over us. 

The idea of numbing is flawed as well. We think that if we don’t feel something it goes away. WRONG! This denial of reality becomes imprinted on you, like a mental scar. Sometimes the result of stuffing your feelings can be felt physically. I’ve personally seen this in my grandmother. After a life of not standing up for herself she’s become an angry, passive aggressive ball of nerves.  Any time a situation presents itself where strong emotions come to play, she vibrates.  Her whole body rocks in revolt against her numbness. This denial of emotions not only expresses itself physically, but is the main cause for addiction (food, sex, drugs, anything), self-mutilation and other harmful behaviors.

Another tool of isolation is judgment. Judging others creates a doubly negative effect on us. Firstly, judging someone else boosts our ego and strengthens the false concept of identity. Secondly, that judgment then becomes turned around on us, reinforcing the negativity within. As we sit judging others for being a certain way, we begin to think others are judging us in some way. When we hurt or judge others we are in fact hurting ourselves.  What feels satisfying in a moment – thinking you’re superior to someone in some way- reinforces an isolating and destructive sense of self.

The reality of the world itself is constantly proving our concept of separateness to be false. We perceive ourselves as ending at the limit of our physical bodies, our skin. I have several questions which challenge this perceived end; they are:

1)      Your physical body began as sperm and ova from two separate people – at what point did this become you?

2)      The very biological processes that  promote our survival, for example breathing, eating and smelling, require outside objects (food, volatile chemicals, elements in air,etc) to enter our bodies and become absorbed into us. At what point do these become a part of us? Where do these elements end and we begin? Do they end? Do we begin?

The cause and effect relationship of this world as described by biologists, Buddhists, and quantum physicists is another obvious challenge to our separatist thinking. If what I did was a local, singular event, then there would be no effect outside of that event. Quantum mechanics has shown that through no direct connection the characteristics of twin particles can affect one another. Two twin particles emitted from the same atom will have the same spin. Should the spin of one be altered, the other particle acquires this new spin without a visible direct connection. This can be seen in the real world in a macro level through global warming, and in a micro level by how our attitude directly affects those around us. If we were truly separate, would we be required to consume the energies of other beings (plants and animals) to sustain our physicality?

So how do we move forward from our perceived isolation? By accepting the truth that we are all connected, and by fearlessly accepting our reality as it is.