The toughest part of the path to being vulnerable… actually
being vulnerable. It won’t come easy and it won’t be natural at first. You’ve
spent a lot of time learning how not to do it so it’s going to take time and
intelligent effort . It also won’t always feel good either. There will be times when your worst fears
about being vulnerable will come true, but this says more about those judging
you then it does you. The ability to get up, dust yourself off and stick your
hand back in the metaphorical fire to get burned again is what will make you a
strong, vibrant and magnanimous person.
For me, being
vulnerable started slowly. It first started with close friends. Friends that I
knew would understand because of similar life situations. I slowly began sharing things with them, and
these few that I let see the softness within are still friends today. We may
not speak regularly, but when we do, we pick up right where we left off. There
is a deep connection there that withstands time and circumstances. Another beautiful part of these friendships is
an unspoken understanding that we recognize each other’s pain. We don’t need to rehash experiences
repeatedly and look for common threads, we know they’re there and that’s that.
The task of being more open and vulnerable in a romantic
relationship was a more difficult hurdle.
My first stab at vulnerability in a romantic relationship helped me
realize my worst nightmare about vulnerability, which turned out to be a
blessing. I was terrified to be so open
with someone about my feelings and other difficult topics, but forced myself to
try. I was as open as I could be at the time, and it was received in a manner
that relieved me. I didn’t feel judged
or damaged or any of the billion other terrible things I wasted my energy and
time fantasizing about. I did however,
feel fear.
I don’t know how many of you have actually felt fear, I mean
feel it physically. Fear, in me, is similar to sadness. Fear is a tightening in
my gut; it is my heart pounding; it is a lump low in my throat (sadness’ lump
sits higher) and pressure behind my eyes because I am close to tears. On a side note – I once had a psychic tell me
that if I didn’t stop worrying about what other people think I would have
stomach problems- crazy eh? Recognizing fear was an important step for me, because
once I was able to recognize situations in which I was fearful, I could do two
things. The first is a belly softening
meditation, where I focus on relaxing that particular area, deep down including
my blood vessels. The second thing I could do is go into the discomfort and do
exactly what I was afraid of doing. This really helped me identify times when I
was avoiding being vulnerable.
So anyway, back to being vulnerable with a romantic partner.
My worst fear was realized. When the relationship ended, which involved me
hurting his feelings, unintentionally but nonetheless, the things I was afraid
of sharing were thrown back in my face in an effort to equally hurt my
feelings. I was disappointed, hurt and a
little pissed. Despite these feelings, I remember reading one of his “lovely”
letters to me in which specific topics were brought up, and thinking “Hey, I’m
still O.K.”. That was really my worst possible fear realized and yet there I
was – still breathing, living and all around ok. My world didn’t collapse; I didn’t have to
hide my face every time I left the house! All the time I had spent obsessing
about all the terrible things that would occur if I was vulnerable with someone
was for nothing! Sure my feelings were still hurt, and yes there was a little
regret that things hadn’t gone smoother, but all in all, the essential part of
me was untouched. I was actually better for having been vulnerable.
My second attempt at being vulnerable with a romantic
partner although not necessarily smoother, was certainly very different. I learned a lot about love, my capacity for
love and what it meant to truly share yourself with someone. I have to say that our capacity to love and
share ourselves with others is a direct function of how we love and accept
ourselves. Being able to see and accept parts of ourselves that we classify as
“bad” allows us to extend this to others. We become compassionate towards
others because we know how much it hurts to beat yourself up over something or
how damaging it is to numb feelings. We
recognize hurtful behavior for what it is, temporarily hurtful to the target,
but ten times more hurtful to the perpetrator, and are compassionate towards
them. Part of this compassion is the willingness to be open and let someone
know that you understand how they feel. They may not receive it well, or they
may not understand because they are so unaware of their own feelings, but you
are doing good for you both by being vulnerable and compassionate.
“They” say that becoming aware in a relationship will either
make it or break it. The thing with becoming more aware is it affects everyone
around you. Some may not be ready for it yet, leading to the break it
situation. Rest assured that being aware, becoming open, honest and compassionate
are an important part of our evolution as a society and as a species. By
helping yourself you are helping us all. We are so intrinsically connected that
it cannot be any other way.
“You can search
throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love
and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found
anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve
your love and affection.” Gautama the Buddha
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